she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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