Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
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you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
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Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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