totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
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after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
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I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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