Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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