she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
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I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
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I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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