Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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