so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize