youre lurking in front of me
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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