Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
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I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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