Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize