remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
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Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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