how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize