Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
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I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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