my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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