it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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