i need an iv and a liver transplant
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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