She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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