So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
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He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
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I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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