I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I want a musical about memes.
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