So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
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You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
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Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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