She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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