why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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