The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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