Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize