Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
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he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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