So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
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He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
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It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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