cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize