Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
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i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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