Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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