Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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