Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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