Your face is a jimmy john
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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