My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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