Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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