I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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