how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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