just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
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I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
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Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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