before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize