This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
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The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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