I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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