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My first STD was from a foam party
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
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