Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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