Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
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You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
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so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
how drunk are you?
Several
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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