i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i think my cat just said my name.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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