I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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