Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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