When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
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we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
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my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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