after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
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He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
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Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize