Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
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so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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