i don't like sucking hair
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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